What makes you a liar?

 There are all kinds of liars.  Some lie about little things: their hair color, their age, their weight. Some are bigger liars.  They make promises they have no intention of keeping.  They lie about their talents as parents.  Some lie about how much they care about other people: saying that they love all people deeply and equally. Some lie about how successful they are.  Some just lie to save face, like when a woman tells her husband she has no idea how the car got dinged even though she’s the one who dinged it.  For some, the lies come when their words don’t match their actions: they lack integrity.

Lying is a habit that started early for some. It got them what they wanted when they were young and so they adopted it as a strategy.  For some it’s a source of great humiliation.  Like those who grew up in abusive households, who were forced to lie, to cover up some family shame.

What kind of liar are you?  And are you aware of how much damage your lies cause to yourself and everyone in your life? 

I know your first reaction. At least some of you, will say: “Me? I try not to lie.  It’s too much trouble.  You have to keep your stories straight and it’s easy to get caught.”   

Still others of you will say: “Lies are useless, Corin.  And I don’t see any need for them in my life.”

But hold on there.  You’re not off the hook yet. See, I’m willing to bet most of you are liars and you don’t even recognize it.  And the damage that it’s caused, if gone unchecked for much longer, may be irreparable.

But it’s OK.  You can tell me all about it.  I’m the Gravestomper.  The guy who hangs out in cemeteries.  I’m not here to judge you.  Just to help.

See, in order for you to understand how you’re lying, you first need to understand why you’re lying.  What I’m about to tell you is huge, so hold on to your seats, because a lot of things are about to click into place for you. This is the reason that most people refuse to even acknowledge.  It’s the big one.  The whopper.  The dirty, filthy lie.  And it’s the reason for all lies.   The fact is this: we lie because were hungry. 

Let me explain.

There are 16 primal motivations.  They are motivating factors in each of our lives.  Every one of us has one or more of these primal motivations, that when combined in a certain context, ‘move’ us to action. 

Now, let’s simplify this by saying that these primal motivations nourish us.  And when these motivations are satisfied, we’re full.  When the motivations aren’t satisfied: we’re not full.  When we’re hungry: we act to get the hunger satisfied.

So, how do lies come into this?

Simple. We lie for two reasons.  1. We lie when we’re hungry and we can’t get our primal motivations satisfied. 2. We lie when the fact that we can’t feed ourselves is exposed to others.

This happens every single time we lie.  Whether it’s about dinging the car or about how successful we tell people we are when we know in our hearts we’re just elephant shitters.

I want to tell you a little story here that I think will pull all of these pieces together for you.

I had a friend who was a teacher.  He wanted nothing more than to motivate his students to success. He really wanted to see them happy, successful and creative. But at the time NONE of his primal motivations were fulfilled.  He had some really strong motivations that could’ve pushed him to unlock some incredible potentials; but at the time, he just didn’t know how to tap into them.  Fact is, they were key components to his living a successful life.  And he was lying to himself by treating them as though they were inconsequential.

Because of that, he struggled.  He was angry all the time and he felt impoverished.  And yet, he was trying to teach his students how to be successful and happy.  What’s more, the school he was teaching in was an atmosphere that specifically countered every one of the five or six primal motivations that he needed fulfilled.

Now, the fact that he couldn’t get these motivations fulfilled just destroyed his confidence. He told me he used to walk across campus on the way to his classes, nervous that that some college official would be waiting for him in his classroom, and ask him to leave because he was a fake.  Not only did he feel like he was lying to himself, but he felt he was lying to his students whenever he told them they could be whatever they wanted to be. It’s not that he didn’t believe they could be.  It’s just that he didn’t know how to teach them that set of skills, because he didn’t feel nourished himself.  Confidence, after all, is built on nourishment.

So what was the deal?

There was an incongruity in the way he was living his life and he knew it.  And whenever it was pointed out: like when someone questioned his authority, he got really angry.  Because that person was exposing the fact that his primal motivations weren’t being satisfied and he didn’t have what he was claiming to have.  So he lied about it.  He denied it and raged about it and made that person who exposed his lie his enemy. 

So, how did he correct the situation?  He finally recognized how important those primal motivations were.   He admitted that they had to be satisfied. Knowing the environment he was working in would never allow them to be nourished, he took action by walking away from his career. Then he started to search for ways to satisfy all of those primal motivations that were dogging him so ruthlessly.  In essence, he stopped lying.

The result: his anger lessened immediately.  He found renewed energy. He stopped smoking just like that.  He set down his cigarettes and never picked them back up again. He worked out and lost weight. All of this he did because he WANTED to, because those primal motivations he had were fulfilled when he did these things.  He felt a renewed sense of purpose because he wasn’t being weighed down by the lies.

So, what do you have to do if you want to stop lying?

Find out what those primal motivations are and start to see how you can satisfy them.  Because when you lie, it builds up pressure. It creates what we, in mind and trance sciences, call an “open loop” in your mind.  Any time there’s an open loop in your mind you will feel a pressure to close it.  Like a bottle of pop with the stopper in it that you shake up.  When there’s nowhere for the pressure to go it just eats away at you. Endlessly.

The primal motivations are the key.  And you have to find out which ones move you.  They are essential to achieving lasting happiness, love and success. 

Otherwise, you’ll never be nourished no matter how many books you read, or courses you take, or people you date or times you meditate.  Otherwise, you’re just a liar.

If you want  to learn more about the primal motivators and what they are, go ahead and enter your name and email below.  And I’ll send you a secret link to a video that will teach you a little bit about them.  Don’t worry—it won’t cost you anything and you’ll be able to watch it whenever and wherever you want to.  But I’m only going to post the video for a very short time, because I have other projects in the works that really need my attention.  So, if you want to see it, go ahead and do it now.

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6 Comments

  1. Whoa……….this gave me chill bumps. I know exactly what you are talking about…well maybe not exactly but I know what’s been happening in my life to leave me undernourished! It has to do w/my husband & home & how I feel when I’m home. I feel totally inadequate, plain & simple. I lie b/c I don’t want to start an argument & be made to feel like a disappointment. Holy moly…..

  2. There’s a couple of primal motivations that are behind that too, Ann. Two specifically that I can target just from what you said.

  3. I think everyone lies, I don’t really think there is any way to stop it. Everyone probably tells at least one lie every day. The problem is that everyone has been ingrained with the nature of lying, you explained the points of why we lie excellently, but don’t forget that we sometimes tell lies to spare the feelings of others is it wrong to lie in this case?

    I do disagree with your point that by recognizing the reason for lying can help us stop. Lying has been a part of each of us for so long that it won’t change over-night or if ever, you can’t break a habit that you have had for 30 years that has become an instinct without some serious commitment.

    • Thanks to Binary X who has touched on the subject I have planned for the next article on lying: Excuses and how we use them to justify deceiving ourselves and others.

      Now, remember everyone: it’s SATISFYING THE PRIMAL MOTIVATIONS that’s key to stopping the lies. Not just the recognition. But recognition is a really powerful first step.

      And yes—rarely is a habit kicked over night. There are certain, specific steps to breaking any habit. That in itself is a whole different set of stomps and articles that I’ll be doing this year. But let me just say that when you’re going after any habit it’s best to set little goals that you can accomplish easily and build up small successes quickly.

      I discuss goal achieving in videos 2 and 3 of my latest series of videos on how to get off the couch and live the life you really want to live. If you’d like to subscribe to those follow this link: http://www.thegravestomper.com/SpecialStomps.html

  4. At first read and second I conclude that I am fascinated on the primal motivations of the lie.

    I read above the next topic will be Satisfying the Primal Motivations. Question: will you be touching on any “self actualization.” I do understand a young person using a “lie” as a tactic to accomplish a certain outcome. I do have a hard time understanding a mature mind set to relay on a “lie” to accomplish unless the area under cover as another.

    Interesting series, I will be reading and watching blog.

    Jennifer

    Jennifer R. Bernard

    • Jenn: First, thanks for the great comments. Second: self actualization or the lack of it is very much influenced by the 16 primal motivators. Having those motivators satisfied is not the only thing that results in self actualization but it most certainly is essential to achieving health, safety, love & belonging, confidence /esteem and achievement. Self Actualization can’t happen unless all of these things are in balance and fulfilled.


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