Are You Lying To Yourself?

In the last article I spoke to you guys about why people lie.  Now Let’s take a look at what keeps people lying even though they know it’s doing them and the people around them incredible damage.

I know, it’s a big subject.  And it might be making some of you uncomfortable.  But no one’s judging you…certainly not the Gravestomper, who’s dedicated his life to helping people live happy, secure and fulfilled lives.   So, stick with me. I got your hand…

Lying is sort of an insidious snare.  And it’s true that it may seem impossible to tackle.  You may say, “Corin, everyone lies and it’s such a big problem that there’s just no way to stop it.”  

But if you fall into this group you have to realize: the “everybody” you’re talking about are only unsuccessful people. People who are really safe and secure and those who feel a true sense of love and belonging don’t need to lie because their primal motivators, the ones I spoke about in the last article, are satisfied. They simply don’t need to.

So, let’s think about this for a second.  Wouldn’t you rather be one of those people who’s satisfied and successful rather than one of those who’s hungry and making excuses to cover it up?

Still, there are those of you too who’d like to say, “But I disagree with you, Corin.  A habit like lying can’t be broken.” 

But we all know from news articles and blogs and social media, and from magazines and books and TV that millions of people every year break damaging habits, leave their excuses behind and become part of that group known as “The Successful People”. 

Don’t you think being a member of their group would feel more safe and fulfilling than being part of the ‘excuses’ crowd?  Wouldn’t it be cooler to be part of the family of winners than to always be like that kid with the broken toys who’s got to defend his lousy family, the one that’s always bringing him down, to all his friends?

Look—it’s OK. People in families always emulate the others in their family.  They model what is going on in their environment.  It’s how we learn.  There’s nothing shameful about realizing that your actions are causing you pain. What is shameful is when you learn things like the stuff you’re learning here but choose to ignore them or make excuses for them.  Because then you are choosing to consciously continue to do damage. 

It’s the difference between ignorance and stupidity.  When one is ignorant, he just doesn’t know any better.  But stupidity, is when you have knowledge of something like how to better yourself, but choose NOT to use it.  It’s a side effect of lying.

Let me tell you about a friend of mine who was starting a business.  She’d worked in education for a long time and wanted independence, security and freedom but knew she wasn’t going to find it teaching. 

Three friends of hers wanted to start up a business.  They promised her it would be fun and the money would be rolling in.  All she had to do was make an initial investment and they would do the rest.  She wanted to be part of their group and have the security and status they promised their business would bring her.  It sounded easy and she wanted easy really bad. Bad enough to lie to herself about who she really was and what she really wanted.

When she told me about it I offered to help her with some motivational coaching as a favor. I even offered to bring in a business coach friend of mine who agreed to help her at a major discount in his fee just to make sure she had a solid foundation to start from. 

I sat down with her and showed her what the sixteen primal motivational drivers were and how to discover what her special combination of these motivators was.  I also showed her some other exercises that would help her to really discover what her core values were, so she’d be able to start a business that was based on who she really was and what really ‘moved’ her.

When it became obvious that she’d been ignorant about how these tools are actually used by really successful people, she became intensely uncomfortable and irritable.  When she saw that the tools would really help her but that it might take a bit of time to really work through the process, she started making excuses and finally dismissed the whole concept.  She said her business partners had everything taken care of. That they were geniuses at business and that her interests were covered. 

When I asked her a little more about what her business partners’ backgrounds were she began to lie about what the business really was, who was involved and what the terms of the arrangement would be.  She lied about how much money she’d already put up, about who’d be responsible for the debts and even what her position in the company would be.

So, why did she lie?   Why didn’t she just figure out what her primal motivations were so that she could really start to build a secure life that would make her confidence grow and really fulfill her? Why did she choose, instead, to be dishonest with herself and with everyone around her?

OK, this is big.  REALLY big.  It is so big that I’ve debated long and hard about whether I even want to tell you this.  Because telling you what I’m about to tell you may in fact trigger the very mistake I’m hoping to help you recognize.  Most of you will dismiss it.  Why? You’ll be unable to recognize that you, in fact, are making this very mistake, because this mistake is self-reinforcing.  Its very nature prevents people from recognizing that they are making it.  And most people are so threatened by it that they immediately start making excuses, dismiss it, get angry about it, or run away. 

The fact is this: When my friend learned what the primal motivators were, she couldn’t deny that there was some combination of them she needed to satisfy before she could ever be successful and happy.  And it threatened her trivial pride, preferences and prejudices.  It is one of THEE biggest mistake people make.  They believe they know it all that no one can help them because they’ve got it covered.  And as I said in the last article: we lie for two reasons.  1. We lie when we’re hungry and we can’t get our primal motivations satisfied. 2. We lie when the fact that we can’t feed ourselves is exposed to others.

My friend said she didn’t need any coaching help from me or my successful business coach friend. She stated rather firmly that she had it all figured out.  “My partners know everything about business,” she said.  Then she disappeared from my life for months.

When I finally saw her again she was mortified to admit that it had all blown up on her. That her partners got controlling interest of the business even though she’d put up all the money. That they had asked her to leave the partnership.  That she’d lost thousands and still owed more.  And that they continued to do business irresponsibly while she was still legally responsible for most of their debts. 

She now works an hourly job while she waits for all of this to go through the courts.  She still has no freedom, no security, and she’s wracked with shame.  Still, she won’t even agree to acknowledge there could be any primal motivators that she needs satisfied, and she’s gearing up to do business with some new partners who’ve promise her that a business proposition they have is going to make her very wealthy.

Know anyone who does this?  Who lies to themselves and everyone else over and over again because their petty pride, preferences and biases keep them from ever admitting they aren’t making it no matter how badly they’re faking it?

Here’s the good news.  You don’t have to live this way.  In fact, you owe it to yourself and everyone in your life to NOT live this way.  Lying is much more damaging than the  traditional argument of good versus evil would have you understand.  Because that cause for lying, lack of satisfied primal motivators is a constant, never ending destroyer of your self confidence. (see the first article)

If you want  to learn more about the primal motivators and what they are, go ahead and enter your name and email below.  And I’ll send you a secret link to a video I’ve done that will teach you a little bit about them.  Don’t worry—it won’t cost you anything and you’ll be able to watch it whenever and wherever you want to.  But I’m only going to post the video for a very short time, because I have other projects in the works that really need my attention.  So, if you want to see it, go ahead and get the link now:





What makes you a liar?

 There are all kinds of liars.  Some lie about little things: their hair color, their age, their weight. Some are bigger liars.  They make promises they have no intention of keeping.  They lie about their talents as parents.  Some lie about how much they care about other people: saying that they love all people deeply and equally. Some lie about how successful they are.  Some just lie to save face, like when a woman tells her husband she has no idea how the car got dinged even though she’s the one who dinged it.  For some, the lies come when their words don’t match their actions: they lack integrity.

Lying is a habit that started early for some. It got them what they wanted when they were young and so they adopted it as a strategy.  For some it’s a source of great humiliation.  Like those who grew up in abusive households, who were forced to lie, to cover up some family shame.

What kind of liar are you?  And are you aware of how much damage your lies cause to yourself and everyone in your life? 

I know your first reaction. At least some of you, will say: “Me? I try not to lie.  It’s too much trouble.  You have to keep your stories straight and it’s easy to get caught.”   

Still others of you will say: “Lies are useless, Corin.  And I don’t see any need for them in my life.”

But hold on there.  You’re not off the hook yet. See, I’m willing to bet most of you are liars and you don’t even recognize it.  And the damage that it’s caused, if gone unchecked for much longer, may be irreparable.

But it’s OK.  You can tell me all about it.  I’m the Gravestomper.  The guy who hangs out in cemeteries.  I’m not here to judge you.  Just to help.

See, in order for you to understand how you’re lying, you first need to understand why you’re lying.  What I’m about to tell you is huge, so hold on to your seats, because a lot of things are about to click into place for you. This is the reason that most people refuse to even acknowledge.  It’s the big one.  The whopper.  The dirty, filthy lie.  And it’s the reason for all lies.   The fact is this: we lie because were hungry. 

Let me explain.

There are 16 primal motivations.  They are motivating factors in each of our lives.  Every one of us has one or more of these primal motivations, that when combined in a certain context, ‘move’ us to action. 

Now, let’s simplify this by saying that these primal motivations nourish us.  And when these motivations are satisfied, we’re full.  When the motivations aren’t satisfied: we’re not full.  When we’re hungry: we act to get the hunger satisfied.

So, how do lies come into this?

Simple. We lie for two reasons.  1. We lie when we’re hungry and we can’t get our primal motivations satisfied. 2. We lie when the fact that we can’t feed ourselves is exposed to others.

This happens every single time we lie.  Whether it’s about dinging the car or about how successful we tell people we are when we know in our hearts we’re just elephant shitters.

I want to tell you a little story here that I think will pull all of these pieces together for you.

I had a friend who was a teacher.  He wanted nothing more than to motivate his students to success. He really wanted to see them happy, successful and creative. But at the time NONE of his primal motivations were fulfilled.  He had some really strong motivations that could’ve pushed him to unlock some incredible potentials; but at the time, he just didn’t know how to tap into them.  Fact is, they were key components to his living a successful life.  And he was lying to himself by treating them as though they were inconsequential.

Because of that, he struggled.  He was angry all the time and he felt impoverished.  And yet, he was trying to teach his students how to be successful and happy.  What’s more, the school he was teaching in was an atmosphere that specifically countered every one of the five or six primal motivations that he needed fulfilled.

Now, the fact that he couldn’t get these motivations fulfilled just destroyed his confidence. He told me he used to walk across campus on the way to his classes, nervous that that some college official would be waiting for him in his classroom, and ask him to leave because he was a fake.  Not only did he feel like he was lying to himself, but he felt he was lying to his students whenever he told them they could be whatever they wanted to be. It’s not that he didn’t believe they could be.  It’s just that he didn’t know how to teach them that set of skills, because he didn’t feel nourished himself.  Confidence, after all, is built on nourishment.

So what was the deal?

There was an incongruity in the way he was living his life and he knew it.  And whenever it was pointed out: like when someone questioned his authority, he got really angry.  Because that person was exposing the fact that his primal motivations weren’t being satisfied and he didn’t have what he was claiming to have.  So he lied about it.  He denied it and raged about it and made that person who exposed his lie his enemy. 

So, how did he correct the situation?  He finally recognized how important those primal motivations were.   He admitted that they had to be satisfied. Knowing the environment he was working in would never allow them to be nourished, he took action by walking away from his career. Then he started to search for ways to satisfy all of those primal motivations that were dogging him so ruthlessly.  In essence, he stopped lying.

The result: his anger lessened immediately.  He found renewed energy. He stopped smoking just like that.  He set down his cigarettes and never picked them back up again. He worked out and lost weight. All of this he did because he WANTED to, because those primal motivations he had were fulfilled when he did these things.  He felt a renewed sense of purpose because he wasn’t being weighed down by the lies.

So, what do you have to do if you want to stop lying?

Find out what those primal motivations are and start to see how you can satisfy them.  Because when you lie, it builds up pressure. It creates what we, in mind and trance sciences, call an “open loop” in your mind.  Any time there’s an open loop in your mind you will feel a pressure to close it.  Like a bottle of pop with the stopper in it that you shake up.  When there’s nowhere for the pressure to go it just eats away at you. Endlessly.

The primal motivations are the key.  And you have to find out which ones move you.  They are essential to achieving lasting happiness, love and success. 

Otherwise, you’ll never be nourished no matter how many books you read, or courses you take, or people you date or times you meditate.  Otherwise, you’re just a liar.

If you want  to learn more about the primal motivators and what they are, go ahead and enter your name and email below.  And I’ll send you a secret link to a video that will teach you a little bit about them.  Don’t worry—it won’t cost you anything and you’ll be able to watch it whenever and wherever you want to.  But I’m only going to post the video for a very short time, because I have other projects in the works that really need my attention.  So, if you want to see it, go ahead and do it now.