Are They Conning You?

To make any kind of successful change in your life you must:

A: Have a mentor who knows the terrain you wish to travel.  Following a mentor who doesn’t know the terrain is like the blind following the blind.

 B: Understand the value of the change to be made.  Unless you truly understand the value that making a change will bring to your life you won’t have any motivation to see the change through.

 C: Be dedicated to making that change.  Without dedication you’ll simply go with what’s easy and never attain the full benefits that a real change can bring you.

Those of you who have college degrees think back to your time in school.  Go through your professors in your mind.  Then ask yourself the following three questions:

1. How SUCCESSFUL were your professors in the industry they claimed to be educating you in

If they weren’t extremely successful in the industry you wished to be in they didn’t know the terrain you wished to travel and it was simply the blind leading the blind. 

A friend of mine who’s a practicing lawyer, who also teaches law and ethics at a college, hates his job and no matter how hard he tries he simply cannot advance in his law career the way he wishes to.  He’s currently teaching students how to be successful lawyers.  How successful do you think they’ll be if they’re being led by a guide who can’t thrive in the terrain through which he’s guiding them?

2. How many of your professors understood the value of change?  Think for a minute about this one.  Were the professors you had effectively growing the scope of their own experience, or were they teaching you about things that other people had done or discovered – or what they had done 20 years ago? 

Teachers who reference experiences they see on TV, in a movies or in books do not themselves understand the value of change.  Their experience is second hand.  And when they teach it to you, it becomes third hand experience.  What kind of events make a greater impact on you: ones that someone else tells you about third hand?  Or ones that you experience yourself first hand?
3. Did your professors help you to become successful and actualized in the industry you wanted to thrive in? 

Unless you are fully actualized in the area you wanted to become educated in—providing you actually recognized the value of the change you needed to make, and were willing to make that change—your degrees failed you. 

Before you decide it’s time to go back to college or send your kids to college ask yourself: Did school make you successful and actualized the first time? 

If your answer is yes, then why do you need to go back again? 

If your answer is no, then why would you continue to sink your precious time and other resources into a system that already failed you once?  If you bought a smart phone and found out that it wouldn’t connect to the web, didn’t text and you couldn’t make any calls on it, would you go just go back to the mobile store and buy another one?

The alternative to college

 1. Is there a way you can find a mentor who has already thrived or is thriving in the terrain  you wish to cross to act as a guide for you? 

 

Student loans are a liability.  They pick your pockets before you ever get a chance to fill them for yourself. Working with a successful mentor who is willing to guide you in exchange for equal value compensation is a way to avoid this trap.  So ask yourself: What can you do to bring value to a mentor’s life that is an equal exchange for his acting as your Sherpa? 

2. Until you truly understand the value that such changes will make in your life you’re likely to lack real motivation. 

This means understanding that you really can become the person you always wished to be: first hand.  That means you have to give up vicarious living.  It’s a lot more work and comes with greater responsibility.  The value: you will become the real deal, empowered, actualized, authentic and able to act as guide to others.  It’s much harder to be a real boy than a wooden one: just ask Pinocchio.  Still he knew it was worth it in the end.

3. College means very little effort and work.  You read a few books, sit in a lecture, take some tests.  But the price is enormous.  It means hungering for the approval of teachers and the constant need for reassurance and grades.  That need for approval and acceptance will spill over into your relationships and effect them.  It also means selling off thousands of hours of your precious time to pay for a degree that comes with no guarantees and is more like a rigged card game than a path to living a full and prosperous life.

Living life first hand demands constant effort and growth. It demands dedicating to yourself, the well being of your family and friends.  It means keeping your oaths and contracts the way the old knights did.  But the fruit that bears in independence, true acceptance and self satisfaction outweigh anything that you could ever get from a grade-point average.

Now, before you think that college is a measure of excellence consider this: if a college flunks you, they lose your money.  If they lose your money, they can’t stay in business.  So, it’s in their best interest to make sure you pass.  No matter what you learn or don’t learn; who you are or want to be. It doesn’t matter.  All that matters is that your tuition keeps coming in.  For as long as they can get it, and during as many times in of your life as they can manage it.

How Reality Challenged Are You?

Recently, I met a single mother who had no money, no means and was, unfortunately, never really taught her own worth or how to spot opportunities.  She was afraid of people because she was never really given any tools to effectively handle her interactions with them in a way that allowed her to get her needs fulfilled. 

The result: a real lack of confidence.  That lack of confidence left her, sadly, unable to even know where to begin to put her life in balance.  It’s a common and devastating occurrence that no one should have to suffer.  Still, it happens.  And when it does, different people cope in different ways.

To cope she told herself that she was chosen to inspire the world through poetry and her keen spiritual insight. Instead of cultivating the skills she needed to turn her real talents—the ones no one had ever really noticed or encouraged—into something that could provide real value for herself and her daughter, she spent her days writing poetry. Why? It was easy and she didn’t have to rely on anyone else for it.  Plus, she’d convinced herself it was the “divine” thing to do. 

She justified her ‘life’s purpose’ of writing down her feelings in a journal (a method of confession, guilt relief and, in fact, a strategy to nullify some of the very real fear and pain she was grappling with) by telling herself that she’d been called to a higher purpose of “uplifting the human soul and giving people hope.”

But in reality no one really noticed what she was doing because she had no audience.  She and her child fell further into poverty and struggle.  That drove her further inside and she spent her days writing about how alone she was.  That made people avoid her more because she brought them down. But none of that changed her view: inside, she believed this was her divine calling and that she was a raging success inspiring people to greatness.  Even when she couldn’t feed her daughter.

I’ve been watching this sort of thing happen a lot lately.  On social media and with people I meet through the day and in my coaching work.  Some people make statements that show an alarming difference between who they believe they are, how they act and what’s really going on in their lives.

Now, in the last two articles on lying I told you guys all about the primal motivations that people need to have fulfilled before they can feel success, happiness and fulfillment. If you haven’t read those articles I encourage you to read them now.  Up to this point I’ve only told you that humans need these things fulfilled if they’re ever going to feel content and satisfied; and if they can’t get them fulfilled, they lie.  But in this article I’m going to show you just how serious it can get if those motivations are not fulfilled.  It can get really crazy. 

From a mind control perspective there are several what we call “interrogation types”.  Really the ‘types’ are coping strategies.  As I mentioned above, different people cope in different ways.  There are, in fact, all people fall into one or more of these observable coping strategies.  But I guarantee you that there are a lot less of them than you might think.  People are really not as varied as they think they are.  There are actually only nine types or “strategies” that all people fall into. These strategies develop early in life along with such things as the Briggs-Meyers profile. Two of these types are responsible for the sort of discrepancies I spoke of earlier.  They are referred to in mind control circles as: “Self-Centered” and “Reality Challenged”.

Now, before we go on, ask yourself:

  • Have you ever convinced yourself and others that your life was fantastic even though it wasn’t? 
  • Or concocted some incredible story about yourself that was false just to avoid facing what was really going on?
  • Ever project your shortcomings onto someone else so that you could remain blameless and appear to have it all together even though you didn’t?
  • If your life was slipping out of control and your friends, out of concern, came to you and told you what was happening, would you believe them or dismiss them for questioning you?

 

As I outlined in the last two articles people lie for two reasons: 1. We lie when we’re hungry and we can’t get our primal motivations satisfied. 2. We lie when the fact that we can’t feed ourselves is exposed to others.  (See “What Makes You a Liar?” https://gravestomper.wordpress.com/2011/01/21/what-makes-you-a-liar/ and “Are You Lying To Yourself” https://gravestomper.wordpress.com/2011/01/25/what-makes-you-a-liar-part-2/ below.)  But some of us do it so habitually that it degenerates into complete delusion, ie the “self-centered” and “reality challenged” coping strategies. 

The reality challenged type tend to be introverted.  Not all introverts are reality challenged but the reality challenged coping strategy is introverted.  They can be thinking or feeling if you’re looking at their Briggs Meyers profile.  But somewhere in their childhood, for whatever reason, they didn’t think or feel they were significant enough in their outside world and it drove them inside to create a fantasy world where they were more relevant.   The difference between who they are in this inner world and who they are in the outer world is staggeringly different.  Even frightening.

They have a really difficult time maintaining lasting relationships because real relationships make them feel less relevant then they do in their inner fantasy world.  They’re rarely, if ever, aware that their lives are built on lies, because they have no idea that their primal motivations aren’t being met.  In fact, they wouldn’t believe that the sixteen primal motivations have been observed repeatedly for thousands of years and are used to move people all the time by those who know mind control.  To them, things like mind control is a joke, something for kooky conspiracy theorists. Impossible. 

In his world: the reality challenged individual is untouchable.  A master who defies categories.  Unique and  limitless. Even though all outward evidence proves otherwise.  Even though he is a definite and observable type.  Even though he is being moved every day by those who took the time to observe how to move him.

This type has an interesting strategy for dealing with people who question them.  Anyone who questions their fantasy is dubbed an ‘inferior’. They hate it when ‘inferiors’ question them.  The problem is, that ‘inferior’ status is based on the fantasy of who they think/feel they are. So, it sort of dissolves into a simple self-defense reflex: “if you question my greatness you must be inferior.”  And their fantasy is reinforced.

The reality challenged person usually has a “cause”, that is, whatever fantasy she’s running at the moment is the means to an end, whatever end that may be.  Usually it’s something that justifies her fantasies. 

There’s a similar set of strategies that come with those we call the ‘self-centered’ type.  These guys are also introverted too but are driven for outside approval.  They were likely bullied in their lives.  Because others didn’t accept them they went inside to feel love and comfort.  The outside is full of pain and unclean experiences for them so they avoid it and experience everything directly inside. 

They’re really sensitive to criticism and they, like the reality challenged, are also lacking the tools they need to satisfy their primal drivers.  (See “What Kind of a Liar Are You?” below.) To hide this they brag about themselves rather than taking action.   They tell everyone all of the great things they’re going to do or greatly exaggerate the value of what they have done. In the end they do very little but brag.

They are also full of fear and lacking self confidence, but these guys are constantly looking at their environment and ‘editing’ it to cast them in the best possible light.  Again they are not getting those primal motivations fulfilled and so they’re filtering their experiences internally to convince themselves they are.  The result?  They are living a  sort of zombified half-life.  Seeking approval and constantly bragging.  But inside there’s nothing but guilt and shame and fear.

If you asked either type, the reality challenged, or the self-centered if they were happy, they would concoct all sorts of stories about how successful and fulfilled they are even though their actions, their word choice, their body posture and their general state of living will always show you otherwise.

I have a friend who’s father is reality challenged. I’ve watched him ever since I was in my teens. When he was younger it wasn’t as pronounced or noticeable as it is now. When we were kids he held himself up as a successful authority, a physical therapist and effective parent.  We used to see him sit in his living room chair and drink to go inside and feed his fantasy place. 

As he’s gotten older he’s revealed to us what he really believes.  In his inner world he is an inspiration to his children.  A world class physical therapist.  He believes his wife loves him unconditionally and that his mistress would be nothing without him.  He, in fact, wanted to have a child with his mistress because he felt he was such an inspiration to the three adult children he already has.

In reality, he’s a timid man who’s afraid of social interaction.  None of his children live anywhere near him because they don’t particularly like him much. He’s so-so at his work. His wife is happy for the first time in a couple of decades because she just told him to get out of her house: she’s divorcing him.  His mistress has told him she’s really not interested in him anymore. 

My friend has really given up on him because he refuses to accept any facts.  And still,  he feels that he’s the lynch pin of everyone and every life around him; that they all admire and love him very much because he’s such a remarkable example of success. But all you have to do is shake hands with him and immediately you know from his weak grip and how his eyes look downward how much he’s ruled by fear and how much he’s settled in his life.

So, why am I telling you all of this?

First, to further emphasize how important the 16 primal motivations I referred to in the last two articles really are. If you haven’t read those articles yet you should now.

And second, to let you know that there are people out there like this.  Who will lie and deny no matter what evidence you give them that their lives just aren’t working. Who will get angry with you for questioning them.  Who will expect you to conform to their reality even though it is impossible to do so.  Because no matter how unsuccessful, angry, unfulfilled they are…dude, they’re convinced…they got it all figured out!

And whether they know it or not, they’re vulnerable to their lives and minds being hijacked by anyone who wishes to, simply because they’re not managing themselves.

What makes you a liar?

 There are all kinds of liars.  Some lie about little things: their hair color, their age, their weight. Some are bigger liars.  They make promises they have no intention of keeping.  They lie about their talents as parents.  Some lie about how much they care about other people: saying that they love all people deeply and equally. Some lie about how successful they are.  Some just lie to save face, like when a woman tells her husband she has no idea how the car got dinged even though she’s the one who dinged it.  For some, the lies come when their words don’t match their actions: they lack integrity.

Lying is a habit that started early for some. It got them what they wanted when they were young and so they adopted it as a strategy.  For some it’s a source of great humiliation.  Like those who grew up in abusive households, who were forced to lie, to cover up some family shame.

What kind of liar are you?  And are you aware of how much damage your lies cause to yourself and everyone in your life? 

I know your first reaction. At least some of you, will say: “Me? I try not to lie.  It’s too much trouble.  You have to keep your stories straight and it’s easy to get caught.”   

Still others of you will say: “Lies are useless, Corin.  And I don’t see any need for them in my life.”

But hold on there.  You’re not off the hook yet. See, I’m willing to bet most of you are liars and you don’t even recognize it.  And the damage that it’s caused, if gone unchecked for much longer, may be irreparable.

But it’s OK.  You can tell me all about it.  I’m the Gravestomper.  The guy who hangs out in cemeteries.  I’m not here to judge you.  Just to help.

See, in order for you to understand how you’re lying, you first need to understand why you’re lying.  What I’m about to tell you is huge, so hold on to your seats, because a lot of things are about to click into place for you. This is the reason that most people refuse to even acknowledge.  It’s the big one.  The whopper.  The dirty, filthy lie.  And it’s the reason for all lies.   The fact is this: we lie because were hungry. 

Let me explain.

There are 16 primal motivations.  They are motivating factors in each of our lives.  Every one of us has one or more of these primal motivations, that when combined in a certain context, ‘move’ us to action. 

Now, let’s simplify this by saying that these primal motivations nourish us.  And when these motivations are satisfied, we’re full.  When the motivations aren’t satisfied: we’re not full.  When we’re hungry: we act to get the hunger satisfied.

So, how do lies come into this?

Simple. We lie for two reasons.  1. We lie when we’re hungry and we can’t get our primal motivations satisfied. 2. We lie when the fact that we can’t feed ourselves is exposed to others.

This happens every single time we lie.  Whether it’s about dinging the car or about how successful we tell people we are when we know in our hearts we’re just elephant shitters.

I want to tell you a little story here that I think will pull all of these pieces together for you.

I had a friend who was a teacher.  He wanted nothing more than to motivate his students to success. He really wanted to see them happy, successful and creative. But at the time NONE of his primal motivations were fulfilled.  He had some really strong motivations that could’ve pushed him to unlock some incredible potentials; but at the time, he just didn’t know how to tap into them.  Fact is, they were key components to his living a successful life.  And he was lying to himself by treating them as though they were inconsequential.

Because of that, he struggled.  He was angry all the time and he felt impoverished.  And yet, he was trying to teach his students how to be successful and happy.  What’s more, the school he was teaching in was an atmosphere that specifically countered every one of the five or six primal motivations that he needed fulfilled.

Now, the fact that he couldn’t get these motivations fulfilled just destroyed his confidence. He told me he used to walk across campus on the way to his classes, nervous that that some college official would be waiting for him in his classroom, and ask him to leave because he was a fake.  Not only did he feel like he was lying to himself, but he felt he was lying to his students whenever he told them they could be whatever they wanted to be. It’s not that he didn’t believe they could be.  It’s just that he didn’t know how to teach them that set of skills, because he didn’t feel nourished himself.  Confidence, after all, is built on nourishment.

So what was the deal?

There was an incongruity in the way he was living his life and he knew it.  And whenever it was pointed out: like when someone questioned his authority, he got really angry.  Because that person was exposing the fact that his primal motivations weren’t being satisfied and he didn’t have what he was claiming to have.  So he lied about it.  He denied it and raged about it and made that person who exposed his lie his enemy. 

So, how did he correct the situation?  He finally recognized how important those primal motivations were.   He admitted that they had to be satisfied. Knowing the environment he was working in would never allow them to be nourished, he took action by walking away from his career. Then he started to search for ways to satisfy all of those primal motivations that were dogging him so ruthlessly.  In essence, he stopped lying.

The result: his anger lessened immediately.  He found renewed energy. He stopped smoking just like that.  He set down his cigarettes and never picked them back up again. He worked out and lost weight. All of this he did because he WANTED to, because those primal motivations he had were fulfilled when he did these things.  He felt a renewed sense of purpose because he wasn’t being weighed down by the lies.

So, what do you have to do if you want to stop lying?

Find out what those primal motivations are and start to see how you can satisfy them.  Because when you lie, it builds up pressure. It creates what we, in mind and trance sciences, call an “open loop” in your mind.  Any time there’s an open loop in your mind you will feel a pressure to close it.  Like a bottle of pop with the stopper in it that you shake up.  When there’s nowhere for the pressure to go it just eats away at you. Endlessly.

The primal motivations are the key.  And you have to find out which ones move you.  They are essential to achieving lasting happiness, love and success. 

Otherwise, you’ll never be nourished no matter how many books you read, or courses you take, or people you date or times you meditate.  Otherwise, you’re just a liar.

If you want  to learn more about the primal motivators and what they are, go ahead and enter your name and email below.  And I’ll send you a secret link to a video that will teach you a little bit about them.  Don’t worry—it won’t cost you anything and you’ll be able to watch it whenever and wherever you want to.  But I’m only going to post the video for a very short time, because I have other projects in the works that really need my attention.  So, if you want to see it, go ahead and do it now.

Law of Attraction or Law of Decay?

Back in the late 80’s I worked in a book store. At the time there was a deluge of new ’self help’ titles that were preaching the beginning of what has come to be known today as the “law of attraction“. The authors of these books swore emphatically and passionately that if you just followed your heart and did what you loved for a living, happiness would quickly follow and money would flood in afterwards like a tidal wave.
 
Now, I got my first job when I was twelve years old. I worked as a bar back in the bar where my father used to go and get drunk. To say that I had a Dickensian upbringing is a bit of an understatement. I grew up in a blue collar Chicago neighborhood where everyone hated their jobs and were miserable from 9-5 every day, and then came home at night and got drunk. By the time they were forty their bodies were shot, their mobility was limited: they were overweight and stuck and unhappy. So, when I read what these authors were saying about doing what you love, I desperately wanted to believe them. After all, I thought, they’d published books, so there had to be something to what they were saying…right?
 
I majored in creative writing and minored in dance as those were the things I loved most at the time. When I graduated I was ready for the happiness and wealth these self-help gurus had promised but ended up, instead, working in a factory that made dance clothing. I was the only one there with any kind of college degree and I was far from the highest paid individual in the joint.
 
Depressed at this outcome following five years of college, I decided what I needed was more education to make my dreams come true. So I went to graduate school and got an MFA in creative writing. During that time I sold some stories to national magazines, did some freelance writing for corporations, wrote a kids book for a New York publisher, tutored writing students and then, finally, ended up a writing teacher at three different Chicago Colleges/Universities. I thought my problems would be over but in all that time I never made more money than I did working in the factory, nor did I see any of the success that was promised by those new age gurus who told me that if I just followed my passion I would succeed and succeed big.
 
Once, when I was teaching at Loyola University, one of the top Universities in Chicago, I asked the English department chair if I had any future as a teacher at Loyola. His blunt response to me was: “What else do you know how to do?” I was devastated that I had spent ten years of my life educating myself to wind up at a dead end.
 
After eight years of teaching college, I finally decided I didn’t want to be poor, underappreciated or overworked any longer and I quit teaching to pursue other interests. It took me a few years to begin to get my life on track again because I was still clinging to the belief that if I just did what I was passionate about I would be successful.
 
In the middle of this I learned about sales, entrepreneurialism and about a Tibetan doctrine about kingdom building that the ancient BÖn used to build the silk road. Studying these things confirmed something that direct experience had taught me years before. The Law of Attraction is merely an advocation of self indulgence. The truth of the matter is: If you wish to be successful you must first conceive of a vision that is bigger than yourself and your own desires. It must be big enough to include other people. Big enough for them to find a place in it. Otherwise you will never find success no matter how passionate you are, no matter how badly you need to express yourself, or how much talent you have. Desire alone never brings success. In fact, the more desire you invest in a thing, the more likely that thing will elude you.
I always think of this LOA movement as a four hour long sex session that your partner skips out on before you orgasm. When it’s over you’re left chafed and frustrated and alone–wondering why you wasted all the energy to begin with when with a little effort you could have just taken care of yourself.